where’s all the excitement?

i am searching for Adventure.
they told me i would find her here,
somewhere, in the midst of
new friends, experiences, everything.

but i am here now,
and i haven’t seen a thing.

i have a new friend,
have had some new experiences,
but nothing is as exciting—
as life-changing—
as the Adventure i sought.

is she out there?
or is it all a lie,

am i chasing something
that only exists in the movies?

would Adventure even make me happy?

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for myself first.

it takes years
to find out who you are
and seconds
to find out you were wrong.

but here are the basics.
here’s what i know,
or maybe don’t.
here is who i am.

i am a heartbreak-sufferer,
stressed-out dreamer
planner,
lost.

i write poetry more emo than my personality
and hope my best friend has forgotten this url.

i thought i knew who i was.
i think they were just labels
that i liked to hide behind.

i used to have crushes,
but haven’t in a while.
heartbreak-sufferer.
fuck you, c.
i miss you anyway.

i was ready for a clean slate,
but it wasn’t clean enough
to start drawing with a new color.
i am still in the same boxes.

i want to tell the world who i am,
but i need to figure it out for myself first.

oxygen

i want to exhale,
but i know my breath
will fog up the glass
and hide you from me.

i want to inhale,
but i know the sound
will fill my ears
and block out your voice.

i want to breathe,
but i know if i faint
i’ll see you in my eyelids-
so oxygen doesn’t matter.

what i saw in the stars

i used to stay up all night
staring at the stars,
wondering if i’d ever fall in love-
hoping i would,
swearing i wouldn’t

the answer was in front of me all along.

but we were planets,
planets with our own orbits.

we would never be in sync.

now you travel in distant galaxies
and i rotate, rotate,
trying to get a glimpse of you
and always feeling your pull.

but there is nowhere for me to go.
i am a victim of my orbit,
powerless in the face of the gravity
of our situation.

and i am stuck waiting
hoping
for our paths to cross again.

 

it ends with you

six hours ago,
you were a stranger.
you sat on the bus with your head in your hands
and i saw you

not the pain in your eyes
or the streaks on your face
but you

every smile i’ve ever shared
and every wish i’ve ever had
flooded through me when i saw
how beautiful you…

you are
you will be
but you

are more than your pain
even when you see nothing else
you are more than what anyone ever says
more than good, more than bad
but no one has told you

that you’re the only miracle i’ve ever witnessed
but you

got up and left before i even had the chance
to tell you.

Don’t

Don’t say that.
Don’t give me a single hint
that you still love me
because we both know
I don’t feel the same.

Or do I? Do you?
If I learn to live again,
trust again,
would I learn to
love again?

You trust me
and love me
but if I can’t trust you,
I can’t love you.

Don’t say that.
Not yet.

You Again

So you’re alive.

You promised you’d die if I left,
said you’d take your life
if I took another step.

But it’s been 3 years,
and I’ve finally found a trace of you
stuffed between the past
and reality, like
weeds growing through the cracks
in buckling concrete.

You’re just the same as before.
Maybe you’ve found another girl
to hang on to,
tell yourself you make her feel special
when you act like she’s the only one
who can ever hope to save you.

I hope she sees through that-
through you-
before it’s too late.